Archive for August, 2009

“Hotel California” Parody “Life Coaches They Don’t Warn Ya” Parody Song By Rick London c2009

August 26, 2009

“Hotel California” Parody “Life Coaches Let Me Warn Ya” Parody by Rick London c2009

twitter 1 life coach used car salesman

For My DF: Lee Hiller


I was tweeting one day, saw what could be a snare
Life coaches planning toxic tweet-ups, with big bucks & visualization prayers

With shimmering books and pricey videos, Free info any minister would give at first sight,
Said the way I was living, was just a big sin,

Salvation via The Life Coach Way, & I would see the light.But all they offer is free on Wiki,

Or the Bible on the shelf,

They still said their colorfully package paraphernalia would,
Help me avoid the highway to hell.
These self-absorbed bandits, said they’d show me the way,
Just by focusing on desires I adored,
And clean out my un-spiritual cache.

twitter 1 life coach ambition poster 2222

There’s life coaches on Twitter, don’t say I didn’t warn ya,
A forced smiling face,
A trespass on the case,
There’s life coaches on Twitter, don’t say I didn’t warn ya,
They’ll instill some fear,
Their “gift’s” no Frankincense and Myrrh

And then once you’re enlisted, the grin turns into shark fins,
But wait this one says she speaks for God, so she says with a grin,
Misleading maneuvers in the background, but Twitter icon silhouette,
Just know she’ll take you for everything, or at least all she can get.
twitter 1 life coach leadership poster
So I called on my God, who lives within,
But the coach said that I needed more and asked me not to whine,
Packaged information I could get for free was only $4999.
And her snake oil was brewing like a garlic bouquet,
Motivational mantras just a little trite,
Throw in some ancient cliches’

Life coaches only want adornment from ya,
Compliment their lovely face (and their Twitter follow-base,
They are on the take.
Purveyin’ information allegedly as mystical as Ka,
But it’s only lies, Only lies
twitter 1 life coach success posterShould be criminalized

Ruffled as a spurious wing,
Instincts say “Please think twice”,
Before becoming a prisoner, of a transparent rhetorical device,
In hopes no money transfers,
To this unemployed leech,
They would sell their mothers, kids, and wives,
With an Elmer Gantry speech.

At last I remembered, I have equal protection of the laws,
Have always coached my own life before,
Not paying cash for this “verbal crack”,
From a condescending bore,
The best wisdom and advice from man,
And programs free to receive.
Life Coaches go down the Twitter pike,
Causing one to heave….

twitter 1 life coach snl character

————————————————————————————————————————————————

Rick London is a writer and entrepreneur. In 1997, London founded what is now (since 2005) Google’s #1-ranked offbeat cartoon . He later went on to launch Shoes That Amuse, the only footwear featuring famous love quotations. He is the designer for Mariel Hemingway licensed gifts and collectibles. He is engaged to HeralddeParis love columnist Lee Hiller and together they own the professional SEO, Branding & Professional Web Design Firm  PenAndInkInc.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Advertisements

Cartoonist Rick London Writes “The Junk Food Song..Supersized” Sung To “Bette Davis Eyes”

August 24, 2009

Supersized: The Junk Food Song” by Rick London C2009 To The Tune of Kim Carnes “Bette Davis Eyes

For my DF: Lee Hiller

The Real Bette Davis Would Have Avoided Fast Foods

Their arch is Harlow gold,
Deep grease with your french fries,
Big Macs trans-fat rancid and old
McDonald’s supersized.

A Happy Meal or two,
Will make you twice your size,
The size of Manhattan & Queens you’ll grow,
You too will be supersized.

Systolic at 192,
Diastolic 122
Enough cholesterol to make your face blue,
Whatever else is in it corporate stays hushed,
Want to know how to make your heart cry?
Try a box of Kentucky Deep Fried.

With belly so big your feet aren’t in sight,
From just some Popeyes’ chicken chewed to the bone
You’ve got pacydermic thighs.

A McDonald's Happy Meal?

Double Whopper for you,
Not one burger but twice till your arteries are goo,
Giving you Mt. Rushmore thighs.

Wendy’s you can’t fit into your shoes,
Ugg Boots no matter how hard you let your legs push,
Add on to that supersized fries,
You’ve got pacydermic thighs.

American Gotcha
American Gotcha

Arby’s fruit turnovers tease you,
And your sweet tooth,
Cholesterol so thick needs Cardio peer review,
Blood pressure flies higher than a brown thrush,
And a nice salad bar to soften the lies,
For your pacydermic thighs.
Londons Times Cartoons www.LondonsTimes.us
Domino’s comes to you,
A poison menu,
A cheesy ballyhoo.
Not much nutritional guise.

Healthy food will repose you,
Your blood flows through,
Those organs are part of you,
Why not try healthy food on for size?

——————————————————————————————–

Rick London is a writer and entrepreneur. His cartoon “Londons Times” has been the #1 ranked offbeat cartoon (Google rankings) since 2005. His website was founded in 1997 and has received over 8.5 million visitors since 2005. He founded Shoes That Amuse, the world’s only famous love quote shoes. He owns numerous funny gift shops bearing with gifts and collectibles bearing his offbeat cartoon images. He is the designer of actress Mariel Hemingway brand of licensed products. He is co-founder of PenAndInkInc an professional web design, branding and SEO firm which he founded with his fiancé’ Lee Hiller who is the love advice columnist of Herald de Paris.

“Some Tweets May Cause Strife” by Rick London c2009) To Beatles “A Day In The Life”

August 22, 2009


For my DF Lee Hiller

beatles fine fine fine 9999999I saw a tweet today, Oh boy. A Dorothy Parker-wannabe with no shades of gray.

Then comes a link to a start-up  launching pad,
Some breast enlargement scheme claiming not to be another fad
Someone gossiped claiming who was good and who was  riff-raff….


These DM’s can get quite bizarre,
Some even cross the line of being deranged….
Why must I know whose having an affair?
And then they wonder why I block or ignore,
Come and go as fast as an Edsel Ford.

Another “Life Coach” aka unemployed

Purveying “wisdom” that condescends & degrades,
And in real life they borrow steal and beg.
All the while #quoting gems from The Good Book
Enabling followers to self-aggrandize to their cyber-throne

I clicked my mouse and went to facebook instead,
Not Twitter excitement but at least it was not dead

Then left my PC just to tidy up,
Went back to facebook but it was abate,
Not much noise but a place to chat,
On board were several adults and several MySpace brats,
Posted a few puns, but no one got the joke,
I’m not at all surprised what appears on my monitor’s screen,
Bah.

fail whale
Several Social network veterans looking for their prey,
So I went back to Twitter with throttle in full gear.
A few #quotes from Emerson and the Apostle Paul,
Then so much spam it felt like a strip mall,
But in my living room so without the urban sprawl,
Someone said they’d follow me if I was well-known.

(Repeat Chorus)

————————————————————————————————-

Rick London is a writer and entrepreneur. His cartoon “Londons Times” has been the #1 ranked offbeat cartoon (Google rankings) since 2005. His website was founded in 1997 and has received over 8.5 million visitors since 2005. He founded Shoes That Amuse, the world’s only famous love quote shoes. He owns numerous funny gift shops bearing with gifts and collectibles bearing his offbeat cartoon images. He is the designer of actress Mariel Hemingway brand of licensed products. He is co-founder of PenAndInkInc an professional web design, branding and SEO firm which he founded with his fiancé’ Lee Hiller who is the love advice columnist of Herald de Paris.

SPCA by Rick London c2008 To The Tune Of Village People YMCA

August 19, 2009

Adopt From The SPCA” by Rick London c2008 To The Tune Of The Village People “YMCA”

spca village people

Dedicated to my DF Lee Hiller

Dogs & cats left in a trash can, can sure get you down,
And the shelter is just outside of town,
Maybe an Afghan Hound,
You can adopt a puppy or kitty.

Saw a mixed breed, with some American Eskimo,
And to get one, it won’t cost you much dough,
Long or short hair, I am sure you will find,
A pet that’s been left behind.


Adopt at the S.P.C.A.
Adopt at the S.P.C.A.

Then go to Petsmart and buy it some toys,
Never know you might find a Samoyed….

Adopt at the S.P.C.A.
Adopt at the S.P.C.A.

Take it home have it cleaned, give it a good meal,
And the price is such a steal.

Maybe a black and tan, or a Siamese,
English Bulldog, & there are many b mixed bspca stray catreeds,
A Shepherd that’s German, or a cute peekinese
A Poodle’s smart and understands what you mean.

These abanonded creatures can’t take care of themselves,
If you like cats, Persians a breed to itself,
Show you really care, at the S.P.C.A.
Take a tour and adopt today.

Adopt at the S.P.C.A.
Adopt at the S.P.C.A.

They even have birds that talk and sing, for everyone to enjoy,
Poodles standard, regular, or toy,

At the S.P.C.A.
Adopt at the S.P.C.A.

Just pay for worming and a shot, its a very good deal,
. Might find a pot-bellied pig that squeals.

Whether a mixed mutt, or a Siamese whose point is blue,
Unwanted young ones is a terrible sight.
It takes money to feed them their meet,
So they often end up on the street,
So adopt at the S.P.C.A.
Wouldn’t a Great Dane pup be great?

It’s fun to adopt from the S.P.C.A
And it will surely make your day.
spca stray dog
They have every kind of pet for any girl or boy,
From Burmese Cats to Borzois.

(Repeat Chorus)

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Rick London is a writer and entrepreneur. He founded Londons Times Cartoons which has been Google’s #1-ranked offbeat cartoon since 2005.  He founded Shoes That Amuse, The World’s Famous Love Quote Shoes. He is a product brand designer and SEO professional, who co-founded PenAndInkInc with his fiance’ Lee Hiller. He is licensed product designer/partner for actress Mariel Hemingway Collectibles. He owns a numerous funny gift shops bearing his Londons Times Cartoon Images.


“Alfred Hitchcock Presents” by Rick London c2008 To Tune Of “Sound Of Silence”

August 17, 2009

ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS” BY RICK LONDON (C2008) SUNG TO THE TUNE OF SIMON AND GARFUNKEL’S “SOUND OF SILENCE”

Dedicated to my DF Lee Hiller

hitchcock

In the darkness of my family den,
I was maybe no more than age ten.
Sunday night tv was slightly creepy,
Only one show as good as Rod Serling’s.
Television images that remain in my brain,
Bodily remains,
It was “Alfred Hitchcock Presents”

Unsolved murders and stalked damsels home alone,
Cemeteries showing bones, ,
Murder weapons that were legs of lamb,
Fatal seductions done by lovely vamps.
And in one Jimmy Stewart lost his balance due to fear of heights,
Marlene Deitrich seduced us in “Stagefright”.
And then Sunday’s “Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

In “The Birds” we saw sharp claws,
Tippi Hedrin was at such a loss,
And Jon Finch kept us in a “Frenzy” with loud barroom speaking,
But it was Bob Rusk bringing the mayhem.
In “North By Northwest” Cary Grant didn’t stand a prayer,
Did Eva Marie Saint care?
Then Sunday nights Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

In “To Catch A Thief” Grace Kelly did not know,
A few years later she’d be on the throne,
In “Torn Curtain” Julie Andrews was no peach,
Paul Newman felt he had much to teach,
In “Psycho” Norman Bates held the knife while Mother’s shower rained,
Hotel Bates they owned,
Then on Sundays Alfred Hitchock Presents.

In “Rear Window” Jimmy Stewart’s eyes on Grace Kelly lay
She was afraid,
In “Dial M For Murder” Ray Milland shows with no warning,
Grace Kelly inside while it was storming.
In “I Confess” behind the sacred curtains Montgomery Clift falls,
Where Anne Baxter crawls,
Then Sunday night “Alfred Hitchcock Presents”

———————————————————————————————————

Rick London is a writer and entrepreneur. He is founder of Londons Times Cartoons, the #1 Google-ranked offbeat cartoon since 2005.  He founded Shoes That Amuse, the world’s only famous love quote shoes.  He owns several funny gifts shops which feature his cartoons on funny merchandise. He is co-founder of SEO firm PenAndInkInc along with his fiance’, Lee Hiller who is also the love columnist of Herald de Paris. London lives in the Ouichata Mountains of Arkansas.

“The Twitter Song” (To the tune of “American Pie”) by Rick London c2009

August 13, 2009
American Pie Cartoon

American Pie Cartoon

The Twitter Song: The Day The Retweets Died” (To the tune of Don McClean’s “American Pie”)

by Rick London c2009

Dedicated to my DF Lee Hiller

A techno wiz-kid with a mind of dough,
Thought up this thing “Twitter”,
And investors said it “was worthwhile”.
Now millions daily at PC’s in a trance,
Twitter keeping Biz Stone financed,
And impress the masses and beguile.

What facebook promised Twitter delivered,
MySpace sits still while it shivers,
Waiting for a misstep
How could 140 be so in-depth?

Social networks I had tried,
An empty vacuum my words did ride,
2000 followers and its too hard to hide,
Twitter’s Alexa rankings can’t be denied.

So Twitter quietly slip-slided by,
One can tweet with high speeds
Drinking chamomile tea,
A new network evolves with every trick that’s been tried,
Bringing half-truths and full lies,
Gotta give ’em credit for tryin’.

Did you retweet my quote on “love”?,
Or my tweet on God above?
Is your following about to grow?
Have you encountered fail-whale throes?
Has a Life Coach saved your mortal soul.
Can you teach me how to tweet like a pro?

On Twitter Kabbalah’s mighty “in”,
. But don’t preach to me with just prelims,
You might make me just snooze,
With your zealot “spiritual” ruse.

I would prefer to not upchuck,
If you think its a pick up bar you’re outta luck,

But if it quacks like a duck,
It’s the day, the retweets died.

Whats Twitter bringing?
. Twitters like Mom and Apple Pie,
There’s no taxes that are levied,
Government won’t even try,
Ploys don’t last long on the Twitter ride,
But real business surely does a fine job,
Stick with them and you won’t get robbed.

You can even tweet now from your phone,

Again courtesy of our friend Biz Stone,
But it causes a bit of agony,
And as the icons roll down the screen,
It feels like TweetDeck’s about to scream,
But there you’ll find something to retweet.

Twitter services crop up with Twits renown,
And weird maneuvering goes to town,
Did you join a bad network, an ill turn?
Or did you just get burned?
Someone tweeted a remark,
A conversation then was sparked,
Cyber-animals on Noah’s Ark,
The day, the retweets died.

We were pinging,
Our blogs and things to catch others eyes,
We’re all separated by 6 degrees,
In 140 characters you replied,
Don’t you wonder what it was they implied?
. As you float away like Captain Bligh,
This is just the way retweets die.

An obscure “agent” comes to woo her,
An author with a best-seller for sure,
Saturating Google & Hollywood starts to cast.
. The book shattered like broken glass,
The agent tried for yet another free pass,
With a final tweet of blocked and passed.

Now the budding Twitterers were all abloom,
. Not giving away the farm too soon,
No annuities in advance.
The “agent” didn’t stand a chance.
Such oddities one tweet reveals,
Alas nobody paid the bill,
Do you recall drama stood still?
The day her retweets died.

And she was pinging,
. I’m back at facebook but I surely did try,
I thought Twitter liked me,
But my following dried,
While CNN and Ashton moved high,
Was the same day my retweets died,
I turned off the pc and cried.

Oh, and I even considered back to MySpace,
But would have been a generation out of place,
Another funky icon with a grin,
So Twitter softly, carry a big stick,
But twitter something in your niche,
Cause nobody knows quite where you’ve been.

When I unfollowed I watched him in a rage,
I sat there twittering so unfazed,
On Twitter con games one can tell,
Not even searching the Holy Grail.
And as the tweets went into the night,
Spammers pitched DM’s in delight,
Lovers tweeted and got it right,
The day, the retweets died.

He was pinging,
Twitter till your fingers run dry,
Twitter helps you be all that you can be.
Retweets are mighty fine.
Twitterers from here to Nepal had their eyes on the prize,
Pinging blogs with backlinks on the side,
Pinging blogs, that took us for a ride.

I met a girl when I was blue,
She said my profile background was not happy news,
I just frowned and said “another day”.
But she told me the real score,
The rest of the tale is not folklore,
And I’ll love her ’till the end of my days.

And in the tweets our love it screams,
As we slide down the current of Twitstream,
We didn’t fix the unbroken,
. The church bells were our token,
And the social network I admire the most,
Gives me 140 characters at most,
No room to embellish or boast,
. Twitters such a great ride.

And some are pinging,
I’ve got a blog for your eyes,
Can’t you be there with me
Nothing’s for free ya know I cannot lie.
And half of them goods are just pie in the sky,
But you know you don’t have to reply,
. Just tweet forward with a bright eye.

My ears were ringing,
My, my, another twitterer cries,
Someone blocked and abandoned me,
But its ok I’ll stay in denial,
May fix the pain with some whiskey and rye,
. With my fingers on the keyboard till I die.

——————————————————————————————————————————–

Rick London is a writer, cartoonist, and entrepreneur. He founded Google’s #1 ranked offbeat cartoon, Londons times and many of its peripheral funny gift shops. He also is a songwriter.